The Chronicles of a Lady of Virtue

Most of the people reading this will be my friends. Some of you are already familiar with BDSM, more than I am in some cases. Others not at all. So, a glossary of terms. If there are terms you know that I forget, please remind me. If there are terms you've heard that I've not addressed, likewise, please bring them to my attention.

I will be adding to this as I have time. This entry is forward dated so it stays at the top of the journal.

I'm going to start by using the terms we have on our Yes/No Lists at the Gates.

 

( Glossary of Terms )( Glossary of Terms )

 

It's funny. I sometimes forget, now, that I ever worked as a pro-sub (or dom). Periodically I'll remember, and it's like a little zap of electricity. Like yesterday, at work, a co-worker was frustrated with a problem that had come up. Someone else replied saying that maybe we should just have company canings. I absent-mindedly replied, "Oh, I know how to cane people."

Now, the woman with the original complaint knows I used to work in BDSM. But the other fellow in the conversation doesn't. So he just said, "Really?" and looked at me with a combination of curiosity and surprise. Fortunately, this is the sort of place where that won't go over amiss so much.

But I do know how to cane people. And I know how to flog people. And I don't really know how to tie people up anywhere near as well as I'd like, but I can do it well enough to restrain someone. It's funny. It feels like my secret superpower.

 Or perhaps not so fondly.

Someone I was in girl scouts with long, long ago (yes, I was a girl scout, for quite a long time, even) has found and friended me on facebook.

Now... I wasn't all that thrilled with my girl scout troop.  Which is actually a severe understatement.  I hated it.  

It you've ever read Margaret Atwood's Cat's Eye, it was a lot like that.  If you haven't read Margaret Atwood's Cat's Eye, well....  You probably know enough about Margaret Atwood to get that saying something in your life was just like something from one of her books is not a good thing.

And I am now tempted, very tempted, to change my facebook profile to say "Former Dominatrix" under employment.

Fingers crossed.

Obama.

No on 4.

No on 8.

Yes on K. (And yo, on the off chance that any of my clients are reading this, believe me, you WANT K to pass).

S/R:
Self Release.  This means that the client masturbates to the point of orgasm.  This is much more common among submissive clients than dominant, although it is not unusual in either case.  If I were to ask one of the other ladies at the Gates about a client she had seen and I was about to see, she might say to me, "S/R," or "No S/R."

You know those spam emails you get? The ones from supposedly hot girls inviting you to come see them getting naked or touching themselves or some other suitably illicit activity?

I've been getting those like crazy via IM lately. Only via MSN Messenger; apparently the other IM clients I use have better screening capabilities. At any rate, let me share a typical one with you:

 tonyaivosegu@live.com: hey Lady%20Rosalynde
my cam isnt working on msn, message me on http://www.webcamera4u.com so i can send you a cam invite
Hope to chat soon :P my name is isabe1999

and here are the two responses I am eternally tempted to send:

lady_rosalynde: Well, thank you isabel1999.  But, I'm a dominatrix.  Why would I ever need or want your service?  I'll tell you what.  You can check me out at www.thegatessm.com/rosalynde.htm.

or

lady_rosalynde: I'm a fricking dominatrix.  Fuck off.

Or rather, let's talk about sex work.  And sex workers.  And the decriminalization of prostitution.

As a dominatrix, I don't consider myself a prostitute.  I don't have sex with clients.  For a long time, I felt like this was an important distinction.  And maybe it is, but only as a personal boundary.

The thing is, that kind of attitude is divisive.  It creates an artificial separation.

The fact is, I am a sex worker.  Escorts are sex workers.  Strippers are sex workers.  Prostitutes are sex workers.  Dominatrixes, switches, and subs are sex workers.  Anyone who takes money in exchange for sexual gratification - whether that be peep show, caning, or intercourse - is a sex worker.  And really, who else is going to defend us or have our backs if we don't do it for each other?

In the eyes of the law, we are all criminals.

I could talk about how ridiculous it is to try to control the exchange of sex and money.  I could talk about how, at some points in history, that was an accurate description of not just prostitution, but marriage.  I could talk about the temple prostitutes who considered sexuality sacred.  I could talk about how ridiculous I find it for the government to attempt to regulate people's personal lives (I find the government's insistence upon regulating marriage to be disgusting as well).  But I won't.

What I will say is that there is nothing wrong with prostitution, when undertaken knowingly and safely.  There is nothing moral or immoral about prostitution.  Just as there is nothing moral or immoral about sex, eating, drinking, sleeping, or gambling.  The idea that prostitution is wrong comes out of a value judgment.  It comes out of the cultural trappings of whoever is making the judgment.

Making prostitution illegal wastes government resources.  Money and effort goes to getting sex workers off the streets, or out of brothels, or out of BDSM houses.  Money and effort that ought to go into actually protecting people and increasing our safety as a society.  Sex workers do not reach out and rob you.  Sex workers do not attack and murder.  Sex workers don't do drive-bys.  Sex workers don't walk into your home and break up your marriage.  Sex workers, in general, don't inflict anything on unwilling individuals.

Decriminalizing prostitution removes that waste of money and effort.  It allows sex workers to report crimes, instead of suffering silently.  That, in turn, will help cut down on crime.  It allows sex workers to leave violent or abusive pimps because it's safer to do so.  It also allows sex workers to get better medical attention.  It does allow women who feel forced into prostitution more of a chance to get out of it, because they won't be quite so stigmatized.  It removes the spectre of jail.

Which brings me to a purely selfish reason for wanting prostitution to be decriminalized.  Because my work at the Gates would be considered prostitution under the law, I could be arrested, accused, and sentenced.  That spectre of jail worries me.  If I should ever have arrest for the suspicion of prostitution on my record, it will prevent me from teaching.  It will prevent me from getting any of a number of jobs.  It will severely limit me.

I find myself devoutly wishing that I had changed my voter registration to the Bay Area in time for this election.  Because then I would get to vote in favor of Prop K to decriminalize prostitution.  I don't.  But I will ask that any of you reading this who can vote yes on Prop K do so.

Proposition K would decriminalize prostitution (and other categories of sex work that, while their proponents wouldn't define them as prostitution, would be defined as such under the current laws).  Obviously, I'm for the decriminalization.


Here's an email that the ladies at the Gates have been passing around:

• The Happy Hooker: an empowered individual who has chosen sex work on purpose and likes it.
  These people and their clients are adults engaging in consensual sex. I don't think arresting or prosecuting them is necessary, helpful, or a good use of my money.
   

•  The Sad Hooker: a poor oppressed individual who would love to get out of sex work but sees few other choices.
  Jail has notoriously few options, and a criminal record is rarely helpful in a job hunt. Criminalizing these people does not help them. Creating spaces where someone can walk in an say, "Hi, I don't want to be a hooker anymore. What can I do?" would be helpful. Without prop K, the Sad Hookers live in fear of arrest and see few choices. With prop K, more choices are available to them. I think that's a great idea.
   

• The Trafficked Hooker: A non-consenting sex slave.
  Without prop K, human trafficking is illegal. With prop K, human trafficking would still be illegal. The difference is that trafficked individuals will be correctly viewed as crime victims and not as criminals. Prop K would give sex slaves access to law enforcement. This sounds like a good idea to me.
  
  
  
  Thanks in advance for voting yes on proposition K to decriminalize sex work in San Francisco.

I have my own thoughts on this, and hopefully I'll have time later to explore those.

Most of the people reading this will be my friends.  Some of you are already familiar with BDSM, more than I am in some cases.  Others not at all.  So, a glossary of terms.  If there are terms you know that I forget, please remind me.  If there are terms you've heard that I've not addressed, likewise, please bring them to my attention.

I will be adding to this as I have time.  Once I'm happy with it, I'll forward date it so it stays at the top of the journal.

I'm going to start by using the terms we have on our Yes/No Lists at the Gates.

Yes/No List:
This applies in specific to the Gates, but I suspect this or something very like it is common enough in the community.  We keep a list of things we will and will not do in a binder at the Gates.  Each woman indicates her preferences so that when a potential client makes an appointment, he won't be matched with someone who doesn't do what he wants.

Golden Shower (GS):
Urinating on someone.  This often involves simply peeing on the person but can sometimes involve peeing in their mouth or making the drink the urine.

Brown Shower (BS):
Pooping on someone.  As with golden showers this can be either pooping on someone or in someone's mouth or otherwise making them eat the poop.  Think Two Girls One Cup.  Then again, maybe not.  This is one I won't do.

Strap-on Play (S/O):
Using a dildo, in a harness that circles a woman's hips, for anal, oral, or simply visual effect.  Certain strap-ons, when placed correctly, also provide clitoral stimulation for the woman using them.  I generally won't do this.  For me it crosses the line between BDSM and intercourse.

Electrical Play:
Breast Worship:
Breast Play:
Tit Torture:
Nipple Torture:
Ass Worship:
Smothering:
Trampling:
Spanking:
OTK:
Flogging:
Single Tail:
Rope Bondage:
CBT:
Genitorture:
Sensory Play:
Breath Play:
Top/Toppy:
Dominant/Domina/Dominatrix/Domme:
Bottom:
Submissive/Sub/Subby:
Slave:
Suspension:
Sadist:
Masochist:
Lifestyle/Lifestyler:
Piercing:
Enemas:
Safe Words:
Negotiation:
Tickle Play:
Verbal Humiliation:
Verbal Abuse/VA:
Foot Worship:
Medical Play:
Needle Play:
Edge Play:
Toy Show:

Someday, I want to write a book titled: How BDSM Can Save Your Vanilla Relationship.

I was talking to a vanilla friend the other day about men and sex, and somehow got into talking about desire and making someone feel wanted.  One of the things that came up, and that I distinctly remember feeling myself years ago, was the fear of letting the man know you were interested.  As if something bad and horrible would come of it.  She felt that way.  I remember feeling that way.  I know other women who feel that way.  Always trying to find some subtle way to let him know that you're interested, but nothing too obvious, in case he isn't interested, so that you can always pretend that you weren't really interested in the first place.

Gah.  That was painful and convoluted -- both that last sentence and the actual feeling itself.

The thing is - so what?  So what if he knows you're interested?  So what if he isn't?  The world won't end.  You will not suddenly develop a case of terminal embarrassment. 

Worst case scenario - he's not interested, he rejects you harshly, you move on.  Middling scenario - he's not interested, he's polite about it, you move on.  Good scenario - he hadn't thought of it himself but now that you've put the idea in his head, he thinks it has some merit and develops some reciprocal interest in you.  Great scenario - he's interested, too, and you get to explore that possibility.  Best case scenario - not only is he interested, he's really impressed and so turned on by you expressing your interest, that you both move forward in totally gung-ho breath-taking fashion.

Even in the context of an already established relationship, I see many women who expect the man to always initiate all sexual contact.  Women who worry about the man making them feel wanted, but never about how they can make him feel wanted.  I think this particular blindness comes from insecurity.  It's so hard to see that others are insecure, or others need to feel wanted, when you're so tied up in your own fears about being desirable. 

I think it comes, also, from mass media representations of romance in our culture - the woman who pursues or initiates romantic/sexual contact with a man is often a figure of ridicule in television and movies -- think Andrea Zuckerman on 90210, pathetic and funny in her pursuit of the uninterested hot guy.   Then there's the scary man-eaters -- think Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction.  With that kind of model, no wonder many women are terrified of taking the initiative.

This is all pretty logical, and it doesn't really take BDSM to teach you this.  But it was in my BDSM work that I really, really began to get it.

Men come to me to feel wanted.  To have a woman make the first move.  Men pay me to make them feel like objects of desire.  To push them up against a wall and tell them I'm going to have my way with them.  Business men.  Lawyers.  Professors.  CEOs.  Successful authors.  Men who are in charge and confident in the rest of their lives.  Men who, when they go out with women, usually end up having to always be the aggressors.  Men who rarely themselves get to feel pursued and wanted.

Most men who come to a dominatrix aren't just there for the pain.  Or just there for the humiliation.  Though both of those things can figure in quite strongly.  What they really, really want is for someone else to want them so much that she goes to extremes.  For her to use them to fulfill her needs.  For someone else to get pleasure out of them, particularly as sexual objects.

It is really so amazingly easy, and it makes them so beatifically happy.

This was one of my more amusing email exchanges recently.

The email I received:


Of course, I couldn't let the gentleman go unanswered, or let him think his problem would be addressed.  So I responded:

And then he responded, as was fully appropriate but also fully unexpected:





I like him.

Do not attempt under hand flogging.  It hurts your wrist.

For quite a while I had a blog here.  But it no longer feels right.

In part, that's because I'm no longer submissive.  In part, though, that's because I started it for the wrong reasons.  Or not knowing my reasons.

I work at The Gates, a professional dungeon in Emeryville.  Some of the other women I worked with encouraged me to start a blog.  It's a great way to communicate with clients, a great way to get new clients, they said.  You just need to update your content regularly.  Oh, and post new pictures a lot.  It was a form of marketing.

But that's not what I actually wanted to write about.  Make no mistake, I'd be glad of more clients, and delighted if my clients enjoyed reading my blog.  But I wanted it to be my blog.  For me.  A place to think aloud.

I don't want to worry about offending potential clients.  I don't want to edit myself for those reasons.  It feels... dishonest.

I work at a dungeon because I want to.  I work at a dungeon because I love the lifestyle.  I love the way floggers feel on my skin.  I love the rush I get when I'm in subspace.  I love the power I feel when I have a submissive tied up at my feet.  I love what it says about people and passion.  I love the secrets I learn.

The money is nice.  It's always nice to get paid for something you enjoy.  I'd love to get paid to read books about Lucrezia Borgia and Madame Pompadour.  And working at a dungeon does pay well.  But there are other, easier, more socially acceptable ways to make money.

I do not want to prostitute my writing.

Funny thing for a sex worker to say.  But everything I do within the walls of the Gates, I do with integrity and choice.  I hold my boundaries, even when I might get more business or better tips if I didn't.  I need to treat my writing with as much respect as I treat my body.

So, here I am now.  I'll copy and paste some of my favorite old entries, to have them all in one place.  And you're welcome to find my old home.  But this blog is for me.  And for anyone who's curious about BDSM, who's figuring out their own wants and needs, who's already been there and knows the pathway well.  This blog is for me and for any kindred spirits who care to come along.